Worst Essay Ever...Enjoy!

I cannot take credit for this enriching piece of literature.
Nor can I deny the hilarity of it. I have not added a thing to it. As far as I know this is a real essay, though I hope this is a joke; because I would weep for this person and pray that they have no offspring! Enjoy...

Coming in Like El Nino

El Nino is Spanish. It is the Spanish word for child. Like all things Spanish, it is dangerous. It kills people and burns down trees. This child is more than a child. It really isn’t a child at all. It is a storm. A deadly storm that kills people and burns down trees.
Warm water usually builds up around Australia. But not anymore with El Nino. El Nino moves the warm water from Australia to somewhere else, namely other places. Where are these other places? These are places that also have water, but that water is usually not as warm as the warm water El Nino moves to these said other places. These other places are to the east. Of the Water.
In Peru, they have many names for many things. One of the things they have names for is people who go fishing, go fishing to make a living. If we had a word for this kind of people that word would be “fisherman”. But we don’t. In Peru, they have different names for things than we do in America. They call that kind of people “pescadores”. That’s Spanish. That’s what they speak in Peru. When El Nino comes, these “pescadores” can’t catch any fish. El Nino is caused when the Peruvian gods get angry. They have been angry for millions of years and have made El Nino for millions of years. Many many moons ago the Peruvians committed human sacrifices to satiate their gods and end the flood that was El Nino. In today’s modern dog-eat-dog, work-a-day world of scientists, diplomats, McSalad Shakers, and George Bush Jr., we no longer have access to such solutions. We are too proud. We will not commit human sacrifices. We refuse to satiate the Peruvian gods. Thus, they remain angry and keep killing us and burning down our trees with El Nino.
Instead of satiating the gods, many of these “scientists” have tried to control El Nino with “science”. They put up expensive fish-attracting-buoys that run on flashlight batteries. Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight batteries! Needless to say, this didn’t work and everyone died.
Lightning!!!
What is lightning? Where does it come from? What does it mean? Does it have a meaning? Where does it come from? What is it made of? Is it made of light? Some might say it was made of light. Others contend that lightning is made of fire. People used to think that lightning was made of fire. Fire in the sky. Fire that killed people and knocked down trees. Before Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin was a founding father. He fatherly founded that lightning is made of electricity. Electricity in the sky.
But what of the Greek myths, of the Greek god Zeus and of the popular image of Zeus – a Greek god – throwing down lightning bolts to kill people and knock down trees. Where did he find the time? And what of lightning being made of fire? In this workaday world in the era of the founding father Benjamin Franklin we have no time nor the patience for such concerns. These are for the third world and schizophrenics.
Some people do not understand that lightning is destructive. They ignore the wisdom of their elders and of the founding father Benjamin Franklin. They think lightning is a lie perpetrated by people with a vested interest. At their own peril!!! Lightning kills people and knocks down trees!!! It is a power of destruction exercised by the Greek god Zeus, the mightiest of Greek gods!! But they do it: they ignore such wisdom and taunt the powerful exercise of destruction and they worship their idle gods and stand near trees. At their own peril!!! Lightning has the killing power to kill people and the destructive power to knock down trees! When you stand near trees, they will be knocked down by lighting and you will be killed by lightning! There is no escape. Lightning will knock down the tree and knock down your soul. Trees are tall.
Many things attract lightning. But do the two correlate? A recent study says yes. It says that being tall and attracting lightning do correlate. That means that being tall correlates with being struck by lightning. You die when you are struck by lightning, and your tree is knocked down.
Some people try to measure lightning, they take measurements of it. They use balloons and rockets and their imagination and determination and research money and they put it all in the mixing bowl and they mix in storms – storms and lightning – and so they mix in the lightning and then they get the product if they’re lucky of measurements about lightning from the storm? What kind of measurements? We may never know……

M@